St Patrick and the Snakes

In Ireland many years ago
Things were different, and slippily so –
The place was literally crawling with snakes,
All different sizes and colours and makes:
Adders, vipers, boa-constrictors,
Ones that crawl into your knickers,
Cobras, pythons and sidewinders
And ones that wiggle up behind yer.
Stripy, spotty, skinny and fat,
Some looked like this, some looked like that,
Orange and red and blue and green,
More snakes than you’ve ever seen.
They drove the Irish people mad
‘Cos too many snakes are really bad -
When you’ve got snakes up to your knees
It doesn’t make you very pleased.
Snakes in your bed, snakes here, snakes there,
Just think about that – if you dare!
No-one knew quite what to do,
Then someone said: “Let’s make snake stew.
If we add snakes to what we sup –
That way we’ll eat the critters up!”
And so the folk began their feasts
Of the slippy, slimy, hissy beasts.
Snake soup, snake tea and snake ice-cream,
It really made them want to scream.
Snake buns, snake fool, snake tart, snake pie,
It really made them want to cry.
And though they ate so very many
Did it make a difference? Hardly any.
“What can we do about these snakes
Apart from turn them into cakes?”
The people asked, but no-one knew
What other things to try and do.
Then someone with a striped umbrella
Said “How about that Patrick fella.
You know, that kind and decent guy
Who prays to God in Heaven on high.
He’s bright and helpful, he’s our man.
If he can’t help us, no-one can.”
So off they went to find our Pat
Who said, “I’ll help!” Yes, just like that!
He waded through the piles and piles
Of writhing, worming, vile reptiles.
Without a snack of snake on toast
He kept on going to the coast.
He stood there in a long, glam frock
Holding high a green shamrock,
And as the snakes crawled round his feet
He solemnly began to speak.
“Come sneaky snakes, come winding worms,
With squiggles, wiggles, twirls and squirms,
I have a piece of news for you,
So listen very carefully, do.
Not far from here, across this sea
Is somewhere that you need to be.
It is a serpent’s paradise –
By that I mean it’s really nice!
Everything a snake desires,
All that he or she requires
Is there for you, it’s for the taking,
So on your way, go on, get snaking!
There are mice and flies and lots of frogs
For you to eat, and comfy logs
And shady glades where you can snooze,
And live the kind of life you choose.
Why stay here where you’ll be eaten
Or trodden on, or soundly beaten?
Oh, one last thing, in all the thickets
Are lots and lots and lots of crickets.”
If there’s one thing snakes can’t refuse
It’s crickets to crunch and munch and chew,
So with a hiss and whoop of glee
The snakes all dashed into the sea.
They streamed from far, they streamed from near
And dived into the water clear.
Patrick watched, his face a grin
As still the snakes kept splashing in.
Soon every single one was gone.
St Patrick’s famous deed was done.
You may be thinking, was it wise
For him to tell so many lies
To evil snakes? Plus lying ain’t
What you’d expect from any saint.
But no, good Patrick’s words were true –
An island rose out of the blue,
Not very big but lush and green,
The nicest one you’ve ever seen.
The snakes, delighted, slithered on,
Then all at once – Pouf! – it was gone!
Was it a miracle, was it magic?
One thing’s for sure – it was St Patrick.
So now you know why Ireland’s free
Of snakes – it’s all thanks to St P!